i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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