Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
