Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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