I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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