I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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