i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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