Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
