Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
wow bdsm is so cute
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
