K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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