Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
