Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
