I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
