What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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