I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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