I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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