When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
