My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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