I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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