Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
