Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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