Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
