i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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