literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
