you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
