you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We left an ass print on the piano.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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