The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
