it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
