she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I touched a dick in church today
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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