i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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