Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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