Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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