you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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