The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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