i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
