I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
