Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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