If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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