When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
