how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
