My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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