Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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