that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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