I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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