I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
