i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
