I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
