Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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