Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
