Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
