So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
