I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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