i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Holy shit dude........stairs
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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