I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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