does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
