It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He kissed a someone with a penis
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
