Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
