just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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