You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
