my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
