I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
