I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
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don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch