I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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