My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...