Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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