when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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