god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
