erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
