Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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