I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
