Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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