He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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