ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
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I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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