grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
